Warped
by Renoir Fione
Summary: Something is not right with the Brotherhood. Their lives have become sitcoms! See how they deal with it.
1. An Unexpected Houseguest

**WARPED**

Disclaimer: I don't own a damned thing. With that settled, enjoy the show.

(Our story begins in Magneto's sanctuary. Toad is working diligently on his keyboard, pondering to himself.)

Toad: (Thinking.) I don't get it. What is it about me that Scarlet Witch hates so much? I mean, I know I'm not perfect but then again neither are any other those "hunks" that are in those teen magazines…With the fashion…and the make-up…and the "q and a" section… How do I know all this stuff! Point being, strip those male models of all their looks and they're no different from me! Ugh! Focus…

(Toad begins typing again.)

Toad: (Still in thought.) Those male joggers…I see them all the time when I'm sent out on errands. They always bring their dogs with them and then, Lowe and Behold, the women are gushing all over them! Maybe…if I were to get a pet…something cute and… (Cringes.) …cuddly…Wanda will be all over me too!

Announcer: Uh-oh! Looks like Toad is up to one of his screwball plans again!

(Toad jumps out of his chair. He's crouched down low into a fighting position.)

Toad: What the—Who said that!

Announcer: Just what will those crazy Brotherhood members do next! We'll find out in another amazing episode of All My Mutants!

Toad: You gotta be kidding me!

(The theme song is in the tune of The Brady Bunch.)

Announcer: Here's a story of a man named Magna,

Who was psychotic as psychotic could be,

He was sick of being ruled by the humans,

He knew he had enough.

Here's a story of a bunch of henchmen,

They were willing, working mutants all their own

Had the same dreams of mutant domination,

Yet they were all alone.

'Till the one day that Magneto met these fellas,

And he knew that they would do all that they could,

To destroy the human race,

And seek vengeance,

That's the way they all became The Brotherhood!

The Brotherhood!

The Brotherhood!

That's the way they became The Brotherhood!

(Sabertooth snarls and over to Toad.)

Sabertooth: What the hell was that!

Toad: I don't even want to know. I'm going out. I'll be back soon.

(Mystique and Wanda are in the medical room. Mystique is looking out the window while Wanda reads a magazine.)

Wanda: So, did you hear those strange noises coming from the other room?

Mystique: You mean that announcer guy who's been shouting at us for the past two hours.

(Laugh track.)

Wanda: Ugh! And there's that stupid laugh track playing again! When and how did all this stuff get here?

Mystique: Beats me. When Magneto comes back he'd better fix this. For now, let's try not to do anything funny or remotely amusing to get that laugh track going. Let's try to be as boring as possible.

(Toad enters the room carrying a very fluffy, very expensive, and very feminine looking cat.)

Toad: I'm back! Missed me, you guys?

(Mystique and Wanda's mouths drop. The laugh track plays full blast for a good five minutes.)

Wanda: Toad, where did you get that cat!

Toad: Um…I found it…

Mystique: Where, stupid?

Toad: A really nice animal shelter in New York. I was originally planning on getting a dog but, you know, dogs like to lick…And you know what they say about toads and all those hallucinogenic chemicals in their skin…Yeah…That wouldn't have worked out very well…

(The laugh track goes off again. Toad is startled into a fight stance.)

Toad: That thing again! I thought I escaped you!

(Laugh track.)

Toad: Why must you mock me! All my life I've been made to mock. Everyday I enter a world of staring, hidden smiles behind looks of false sympathy. And your presence only seems to serve only as a reminder of that horrible, wretched truth! Except you don't hide it; you have the gall to shout it right to my face!

(Toad places the cat on the floor.)

Toad: Well fine then! Laugh. Laugh all you want! But this game must come to an end someday. And maybe that will be the day when I'm married, happy, attractive, and pigs inherit the ability to fly!

(Everybody stares at him, not quite knowing how to react.)

Toad: (On the verge of crying.) You people are all monsters!

(Toad storms out of the room. Mystique, Wanda, and the cat remain speechless.)

Wanda: Wow…That was incredibly deep…

Cat: Mew…

Mystique: Yeah…Especially for someone like Toad…

(Mystique picks up the cat.)

Mystique: Oh! Poor thing. You're a mess! Let's get you brushed!

Wanda: Ooo! I have a box of bows that would look perfect in her hair!

(Wanda and Mystique run off excitedly with the cat.)


	2. Operation: Preparation

(The cat blinks confusedly as Wanda and Mystique eagerly place ribbons in her fur.)

Wanda: She's so cute. I wonder if she has a name.

Mystique: Knowing Toad, not yet.

(Laugh track.)

Mystique: Oh wait!

(Mystique checks the cat's collar. Her eyes widen with disbelief.)

Mystique: Her name is Princess! Who would give their cat a name like _Princess! _

(Princess' eyes perk up having heard her own name.)

Wanda: (Defensively.) Well I think it's a darling name…Princess…

Princess: Mew.

(Wanda puts the last bow in Princess' fur.)

Wanda: Beautiful.

(Wanda lets Princess down. Toad enters the medical room and Princess prances over to him. Toad stares down at her in confusion.)

Princess: Mew.

Wanda: Doesn't Princess look nice? We fixed her up good, so don't you mess up her fur!

Toad: (Still confused.) Princess! (Toad reads her tag.) Of all the bloody—

(Princess purrs and rubs up against Toad's leg.)

Toad: Don't try to win me over with your charm, kitty! It still doesn't make up for when you scratched me in the face earlier!

(Laugh track.)

Toad: (Shouting to the sky.) WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY! (To himself.) I could have gotten an iguana, or maybe another toad. But, no, I got a cat! What a thorn in my side you are! I should have thrown you for the helicopter the first time you hissed at me! I buckled your seat in real nice too, _extra tight!_

(Mystique and Wanda groan and hang their heads low with frustration.)

Mystique: Well if you hate the cat so much, why'd you get her in the first place?

Toad: Um…Companionship. It gets pretty lonely around her sometimes, you know.

(Audience: Aw!)

Toad: Ah, put a sock in it!

(The phone rings.)

Wanda: Don't get it. It's probably another make-up salesman.

(The phone rings again. The answering machine picks up.)

Answering Machine: (The answering machine music from Seinfeld begins to play.) Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun! Believe it or not insert Magneto insert isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not I'm not home!

(Mystique, Wanda, and Toad stare at each other in disbelief.)

Mystique: Somebody likes Seinfeld…

(Laugh track.)

Toad: Oo! Ooo! I especially like Kramer. He's got a _wild, whacky_ edge to him…Like me!

Wanda: Don't kid yourself. At least Kramer's funny.

('Oooo' noises begin to play instead of the laugh track.)

Toad: Ouch, Wanda…Ouch…

(Laugh track.)

Answering Machine: (Beep.) Hello, this is Anita Holm. I work for the Beautiful Women Corporation. I'm just calling to tell you about our new line of mascara that I'm sure you're just dying to purchase. We also have some new shades of lipstick including sensual strawberry, passionate peach, and wild cherry. Call if you're interested and have very Beautiful day! (Beep.)

Wanda: Told you.

Mystique: Them again! They always call here.

(Pyro is about to enter the room.)

Mystique: That damned make-up company! I definitely never bought from _their _store!

Wanda: Me neither!

(Pyro's eyes widen.)

Mystique: Well if you didn't then who did?

(Pyro slowly slinks away.)

Wanda: (Sighs.) It doesn't matter. Toad, did you get all the things Princess will need?

Toad: Well sure. She has a home and bed, doesn't she?

Wanda: Ugh! (She rubs her two fingers against the bridge of her nose in.) You clearly weren't thinking things through when you got this cat!

Toad: Huh?

Mystique: There's more to taking care of a pet than simply giving it a place to sleep.

Wanda: Princess needs food, water, vaccinations, a box and litter…

Toad: No problem. I can get her food in seconds!

(Toad shoots his tongue through the window and grabs a bird. He slams the partially dead bird in front of Princess.)

Toad: Come here, fur-ball!

(Princess happily skips over and starts taking bites from the bird.)

Wanda: Ugh! That's disgusting!

(Wanda runs out of the room.)

Mystique: And what about the shots?

Toad: We're in a medical room aren't we?

Mystique: I can't make the vaccines! My medical knowledge only goes so far! You'll have to take her to a real doctor.

Toad: (Sighs.) All right, all right! (Toad gathers up the cat in his arms.) Come on, you!

Princess: Mew.

Mystique: And while you're at it, go and get her some real food!

Toad: Define "real food!"

Announcer: We're sure to tell you in a fabulous commercial break!

Toad: Oh cripes! Not _you_ again!


	3. Lets go to the Movies, or not

Commercial Number One:

(Sabertooth is sitting in the middle of a studio and he is not happy.)

Director: Say it.

Sabertooth: No!

Director: _Say it!_

Sabertooth: No! You can't make me!

Director: Oh but I can! You see, if you don't say it, I'll send all these lovely pictures of you in women's clothing around the net for everyone to see!

Sabertooth: What!

(The Director holds up the pictures. Sabertooth looks at them for a long time.)

Sabertooth: Hey! These are Photo-Shopped!

Director: I know! Isn't it amazing! I can make anything I want with it!

Sabertooth: And you'd really spread those all over the net?

Director: At the expense of earning thousands of dollars along with your dignity, yes!

Sabertooth: And do you promise to split the cash fifty-fifty?

Director: Sure.

Sabertooth: Fine…You win, I guess…

(Sabertooth clears his throat.)

Sabertooth: (Muttering the words angrily.) I want chicken, I want liver. Meow-Mix, Meow-Mix, please deliver.

Director: (While Sabertooth is singing, the Director rubs his hands eagerly together.) Now dance, my little puppet, dance!

Sabertooth: What did you just say!

Director: Oh…nothing…

(Sabertooth snorts.)

Director: Good…good…

Commercial Number Two:

Announcer: Coming soon to a theater near you! See the Brotherhood like you've never seen them before in this ground-breaking, epic film! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might even vomit from pure excitement! Adrian Brody as the unstoppable Juggernaut!

(Footage #1)

(The Juggernaut practically swims over Adrian's frail body. He vigorously pounds his chest on top of a large sky scraper.)

Adrian Brody/Juggernaut: No one can stop the Juggernaut!

(Footage #2)

Doctor: Juggernaut, I'm sorry to inform you, but I'm afraid you've been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Adrian/Juggernaut: I may never live again…

Announcer: Fabio stars as the disgusting yet somehow intriguing Toad! Alongside him is Nichole Kidman as the mesmerizing Scarlet Witch!

(Footage #3)

(Fabio has been painted entirely green. Nichole Kidman is clearly too old to be playing Scarlet Witch.)

Fabio/Toad: My beloved! Can't you see that you complete me!

(Nichole slaps him.)

Fabio/Toad: Kiss me?

Nichole/Scarlet Witch: No means no, you vile little pest!

(Nichole storms away.)

Fabio/Toad: BUT I LOVE YOU! (Echo, echo, echo…)

Announcer: Macaulay Culkin as the fiery personality that is…Pyro!

(Footage #4)

(Macaulay is putting on make-up when he notices he's being video taped.)

Macaulay/Pyro: Nobody understands me!

(A random sentinel bursts in and attacks Macaulay. He falls to the ground, unconscious. Adrian Brody comes in and destroys the sentinel. He sees Macaulay's helpless body on the floor.)

Adrian/Juggernaut: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Announcer: Bob Saget will play the role of the ferocious, carnivorous feline Sabertooth!

(Footage #4)

Fabio/Toad: Just where do you values lie!

Saget/Sabertooth: Values! I have no values!

Goodman/Blob: He needs you, man! And you're just going to walk out on him!

Fabio/Toad: You're his friend!

Saget/Sabertooth: I have no friends, don't you understand! I walk alone. I don't need anyone…Anyone!

(Saget storms out of the room.)

(Footage #5)

Announcer: John Goodman as the unmovable Blob!

Goodman/Blob: When we venture out on the battlefield, eyes burning with the passion for revenge, let us remember Pyro! (Close to tears.) Let's do it for Pyro!

Announcer: Ian McKellen as the sinister Magneto!

Ian/Magneto: Because the author couldn't think of anything better!

Announcer: And lastly, Michael Jackson shall be playing the role of the stealth sleek Mystique!

(Footage #7)

(Michael Jackson in covered in blue make-up. He has his hand on Macaulay's shoulder.)

Macaulay/Pyro: I don't know, Mystique. It feels like, no matter what I do, I'm not good enough for this team…Like I don't fit in...

Jackson/Mystique: Oh Pyro! Don't say that. You will always belong here. We're brothers you and I, one and the same. Once in the Brotherhood…always in the Brotherhood!

(In any improvised Michael Jackson ballad.)

Jackson/Mystique: Brothers, you and I, one and the same. We're different in our own ways, yet together we stand tall! And sisters, my sisters, look onward to the sky. A new day is approaching, so 'till then we must try…to live, to love, to battle every obstacle. There's no enemy too great, no fence we cannot climb. We are the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!

(The actors gather in a group hug. Some of them are crying.)

Jackson/Mystique: Shamon! (Clap.) Hee-hee! (Michael Jackson does a double turn and grabs his crotch.) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brotherhood: Together we stand!

Announcer: The Brotherhood directed by Martin Brest…Coming to theaters this summer. Don't miss it!

(Commercial ends.)

Toad: Awful! Bloody awful! There's just no way they could make this movie any worse than it already is!

(All of the real Brotherhood members are sitting on the couch watching the commercial. They all take their eyes off the TV and listen to Toad's rant.)

Toad: I mean, seriously! Martin Brest! That guy couldn't direct his way out of a paper bag!

Pietro: Now hold on a sec! Doesn't anybody remember Scent of a Woman? Now that was a very good movie!

Toad: Hello! Does Gigli ring a bell!

Pyro: Not to mention he completely messed up the cast. And I _do not_ wear make-up by the way! (Pyro stuffs his lipstick back into his pocket.)

Toad: How so?

Juggernaut: Did you just see the guy playing me! He looked like he could have been blown away by the wind at any second!

Mystique: And Michael Jackson as me! He's not even the right gender!

Toad: Give a guy some credit, Mystique! I mean, think about it. He changed himself from a black boy to a white woman. People don't do that everyday, you know. But he can, just like you! Doesn't that count for something?

(Awkward silence.)

Mystique: ...Good point…

Wanda: Well, okay, what about you? (To Toad.) You have to admit Fabio is a little out of your league.

(Toad gives Wanda a long stare. There's much confusion in his eyes. Wanda couldn't help but want to shift further away from him, even though she was already as far away from him as possible.)

Toad: How so?

Wanda: Ugh! Forget it. Go get your cat supplies!

Toad: Yes ma'am!

(Toad gathers up Princess in his arms and hops away.)

Wanda: Some people are so stupid…


	4. Cruising in the 'Copter

(Mystique and Wanda are now in the computer room. Toad enters carrying Princess along with a lot of cat supplies. He has numerous scratches and bite marks all over his body.)

Toad: I'm home!

Mystique: I see you've gotten all the stuff.

Toad: Yeah! (He plops all of the items gently on the floor. Princess hisses and runs away.) What a pain! Who knew a cat could cost so much money! She needed six freaking shots today.

Wanda: (Holding back laughter upon noticing all the cuts on his face.) I don't suppose she was too happy about that.

Toad: (Shivering a little.) No…She was not…

(Flashback)

(The outside of the doctor's office is shown. Voices can be heard from behind the door.)

Toad: Now this won't hurt a bit. Just hold still and it'll all be over in a few—

(Princess begins making low growling noises.)

Toad: Aw! Don't worry, kitty. It's just a few shots is all!

Princess: RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!

Toad: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! Get her off me! GET HER OFF ME!

Doctor: FOR GOD SAKES, HOLD HER DOWN!

Toad: I'm trying! I'm trying!

Princess: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRR! (Hiss.)

Toad: OW!

Doctor: Will someone get this freaking cat a sedative!

(Things can now be heard breaking and shattering from behind the door. The requiem music from the intro to X-2 begins to play.)

Doctor: My God…

Toad: What? What!

Doctor: That type of music only plays when something _really _bad is going to happen! WE'RE DOOMED!

Toad: HIT THE DECK!

(BOOM!)

Doctor: What the hell did you feed this cat? Steroids!

Toad: It was just a bird I fed her! JUST A BIRD!

Doctor: My God, you fool!

Toad: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't know, Doc! I JUST DIDN'T KNOW!

(Toad begins to sob. The requiem music plays louder.)

(Flashback over.)

Toad: So, after giving Princess enough tranquilizers to take out a horse, we gave her the shots.

Wanda: You didn't get this cat from an animal shelter, did you.

(Laugh track.)

Toad: No, love, I did not.

(The laugh track gets louder.)

Mystique: Then where _did _you get her?

Toad: (Paranoid.) What's with all the bloody questions over here? Is this some sort of interrogation? Do I have the right to remain silent!

Wanda: (Raising an eyebrow.) Well aren't_ we_ defensive now.

Toad: Well I don't have to tell you a thing if I don't want to! You're not Magneto! Come on, kitty!

(Toad picks up Princess and leaves.)

Wanda: So…Now what?

Mystique: (Apathetically.) I don't know. Let's go watch The Notebook or something.

Wanda: Oh, I just _love_ that movie! You go get the DVD and I'll make the popcorn!

(The door opens and in comes Pyro. He's wearing a blue jumpsuit, much like the ones a gas station employee would wear and he's covered with dirt and oil. He has a giant wrench in his hand.)

Wanda: And what have _you_ been up to?

(Laugh track.)

Pyro: Me? …Nothing…

(Laugh track.)

Mystique: Don't play innocent boy on us! You can't pull it off anyway. Now talk! Why are you covered in oil and why do you have a wrench in your hand!

Pyro: Well…I got bored so I…updated the 'copter.

Wanda: Updated? What do you mean "updated!"

(Laugh track.)

Pyro: (Nervously.) Well…I repainted it…_Cough._ Hot pink! _Cough _… Capped the propellers in gold…and…

(From outside.)

Toad: Good Lord!

(Mystique, Wanda, and Pyro run to the garage area to meet Toad.)

Toad: What have you done!

(Laugh track.)

Pyro: I…

(Everyone stares intensely at him.)

Pyro: I…I pimped out the copter!

(Gasp!)

Wanda: How much did all this cost!

Pyro: Oh nothing. I stole most of the supplies.

Toad: Pink! Of all colors, why'd you choose pink!

(Pyro shrugs.)

Pyro: Well I say that we outta see this baby in action! Who's up for taking a spin?

(The Brotherhood members board the helicopter. Pyro is about to get into the pilot seat when Toad pushes him out again.)

Toad: No you don't!

Pyro: (Protesting.) Why not?

Toad: Because only Mystique and I know how to drive this thing! Are _you _a pilot?

Pyro: No, but neither are you! When did you ever get _your _license!

(Laugh track.)

Toad: I got it off of E-bay! But at least _I _know how to drive!

Pyro: Please, please, please, please, please! I'll be real gentle with her!

Toad: _No._

Pyro: Mystique?

Mystique: _No._

Pyro: You guys suck!

(Pyro storms over to a seat and buckles himself down next to Scarlet Witch. Mystique takes the pilot seat and Toad sits beside her with Princess in his lap.)

Mystique: Must you take that cat _everywhere_ you go?

Toad: I'll have you know I've grown very attached to my kitty-witty!

(Toad nuzzles the cat in his arms. Princess gives him an appreciative purr.)

Mystique: Not too long ago you wanted to throw it out the helicopter.

Toad: Well, I spent a while with Princess and realized there's a lot to like about her. She keeps me company, she doesn't care what I look like, she doesn't mind the fact that I haven't bathed in weeks, she doesn't look at me funny while I'm eating…Yeah! Cats are great! I should have gotten one a long time ago!

(Wanda takes a long glance at Toad. Upon realizing how long she's been looking at him, she turns her head forward again and blushes.)

Wanda: (Thinking.) I've never known Toad to be _this _sensitive. It's almost…dare I say it…cute! Ugh! I've got to get my mind off of him and onto something else…

(Long, long pause.)

Wanda: (Still thinking.) Why _did_ Pyro decide to paint the helicopter pink?

Pyro: Enough about the stupid cat! Could we just fly this thing already!

Toad: (Hugging Princess tightly to his chest.) Don't call her stupid!

(Mystique switches on the controls and the helicopter lifts off into the air.)

Toad: Well…It mainly feels like the same old helicopter…except for the outside part that is.

Pyro: Well if you and Mystique would have let me drive it I could have shown you the new installment I made!

All except Pyro: New installment!

(Just then, the X-Jet appears flying alongside the helicopter.)

Toad: X-Geeks…

(Pyro unbuckles his seatbelt and runs to the cockpit where Mystique is. All the Brotherhood members are staring at the X-Jet almost as though they were challenging them.)

Pyro: Now's the time you show you what this helicopter _really_ can do!

(Jean Grey and Storm are in the cockpit section of their jet. Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Rogue are in the back. They look out the window to see the Brotherhood helicopter bobbing up and down.)

Storm: I can't believe what I'm seeing…

Jean Grey: I don't even want to know what I'm seeing…

Rogue: Let's see…There's a hot pink helicopter… with gold propellers and hydraulics. And inside I can clearly see Mystique behind the controls. And Toad in the passenger's seat with…a fluffy white cat!

Nightcrawler: Ja. The Brotherhood has clearly lost its mind...

(Laugh track.)

Wolverine: Let's never speak of this _ever again_.

X-Men: Agreed…

Nightcrawler: Say, is it me, or did I just hear a laugh track playing?


	5. The Attack of TEVO

(The helicopter lands on the island. Mystique, Pyro, Wanda, and Toad step out of the air vessel.)

Toad: Those hydraulics were kinda fun!

Pyro: See! Aren't you glad that I update things!

Wanda: (Thinking.) Is it me or was I just…staring at Toad! Ugh. Snap out of it, girl! (Frustrated sigh.) It's been a long day. Perhaps a nice long bath will bring me to my senses about…him…

Pyro: (Bragging to Toad.) And maybe, someday, I'll pimp out the entire lair!

Toad: Don't get too ahead of yourself, pretty boy…The only way _you'll _be redecorating my room is over my cold, dead carcass.

Pyro: Then again, maybe I won't be fixing up your room. I've been in there before and, I've gotta yell you, it's offensive to all five senses!

(Laugh track.)

Toad: When…and _why_…were you in my room!

Pyro: To look for your diary of course! I figured I could blackmail you with it later.

Toad: Ha! You'd never find it; I hid it too well… But I'm still going to kill you nonetheless!

Pyro: Bring it!

Wanda: Take your stupid quarrels outside. I'm taking a nice, long bubble bath and I don't want any interruptions.

Audience: Woo! (Whistle, whistle.)

Wanda: (Yelling at audience.) And just what was _that_ for! Nuh-uh! This isn't some wild, erotic hot tub party! I'm not going to invite you in with me! I am a woman of class! So you can just take your 'sex on TV' antics and shove it!

Mystique: (Yelling from a completely different room.) Girl power!

Toad: (Whispering to Pyro.) Hey! How come we guys don't have any fun catch phrases?

Pyro: I have no idea. But all this "female dominance" stuff has taken away my will to fight. I'm going to fix the TV. Maybe I'll install TEVO or something.

Toad: (Half heartedly.) Good luck.

(Princess begins rubbing up against Toad's leg.)

Toad: Hey, pretty! Who wants their fur brushed!

Princess: Mew!

(Toad picks up the cat and returns to his room. Pyro chuckles to himself as he rolls up his sleeves and heads toward the television.)

**About an Hour Later…**

(Wanda is still relaxing in the bathtub. The bubbles perfectly censor her body.)

Wanda: (Thinking.) I still can't get him out of my mind. This is terrible! And I only started to like him since he'd went out and gotten that cat. When he's holding Princess he's like a completely different person. He's…nicer…more in touch with his feminine side. It's actually…cute!

(A loud banging noise is heard from behind the door. Wanda angrily rolls her eyes.)

Wanda: (Calling to whatever's making the noise from behind the door.) Whoever's knocking, you can take your business to one of the plants outside! I'm not getting out of this bathtub until I'm completely rested!

Pietro: Wanda! Listen to me! Pyro…he—

(Crash!)

Pietro: He did something to the TV and now it's on the loose! We can't stop it. It's like it has a mind of its own!

Pyro: I was just trying to install TEVO! How was _I_ supposed to know this would happen!

Pietro: Oh shut up, you moron! You brought us into this and now you have to fix it!

(Toad leaves his room only to see that the TV has sprouted robotic legs and is wreaking havoc on the lair.)

Toad: What the—

(The giant TEVO monster picks up Toad and throws him into the bathroom door.)

Toad: AAAAAHHH!

(Toad crashes through the door and lands onto the bathroom floor before Wanda. Toad and Wanda stare at each other in awkward silence.)

Toad: By the way, that time, it really _was _an accident.

Wanda: So much for my nice, long bubble bath… (Sigh.) I believe you. Now leave so I can change and I'll be joining the rest of the Brotherhood in a moment…

Toad: …Right…

(Toad jumps off the floor and bolts out of the room, closing the door behind him.)

Wanda: Men…

**About Fifteen Minutes Later…**

(The rest of the Brotherhood is running for their lives as the TEVO monster shoots lasers from its screen.)

TEVO: (In evil robotic voice.) Now you can purchase movies on demand without the fuss of having to go to your local rental store! Give _in_ to TEVO!

Toad: (As he frantically dodges electronic blasts.) Okay! Now, I had a feeling that TV would someday take over the world, but not like this!

TEVO: TEVO will enslave the Earth with movies beyond one's wildest dreams! You will _submit_ to TEVO's _overwhelming_ power!

Announcer: this isn't any sitcom anymore! It's an all out horror story!

TEVO: SILENCE, MORTAL! You will succumb to TEVO's awesomeness!

(TEVO monster starts to shoot more electricity.)

Sabertooth: That's it! _ROAR!_

TEVO: Feel thy wrath, infidel!

(Sabertooth closes in on TEVO, about to commence a devastating attack. Suddenly, TEVO zaps Sabertooth and he falls unconscious.)

Pietro: No!

(TEVO begins shooting lasers again. Pietro skillfully dodges the electronic blasts.)

Pietro: Perhaps, if the television is plugged in, I can snap its chord to prevent it from shooting its electronic blasts.

(Pietro dashes over to where the television is plugged into the wall and snaps the wire in half.)

TEVO: You think you can defeat me, you tiny fool! I will vanquish you!

(TEVO begins whipping the chord around violently. Pietro moves out of the way just in time, but the other Brotherhood members aren't so lucky. The chord whips and burns Pyro in the chest.)

Pyro: (Falling to the ground.) Ugh!

Blob: All right! That does it!

(Blob jumps up into the air in hopes to squash the TV on his way down.)

TEVO: Pitiful attempt!

(TEVO lifts up its antennae. Blob lands on the television. Just when it looks like Blob has defeated TEVO, Blob's eyes widen in surprise. He jumps off the TV, holding his rear in pain, and into the air again.)

Blob: YEOWCH!

Pyro: Aw! That really hurt…

(Pyro looks up to see that Blob is about to land on him.)

Pyro: NOT AGAIN!

(Pyro rolls out of the way just in time before Blob hits the ground.)

TEVO: Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

Pyro: I've had too many near death experiences today! This is clearly abuse!

Toad: You think you've been abused!

(Pyro looks up to see that TEVO's wire is now wrapped around Toad. TEVO is giving him numerous electrical shocks. Toad's teeth are chattering from the high amounts of volts being given to him.)

(While this is going on, Mystique has disguised herself as another antenna on the TV. Just as she's about to do some damage to TEVO, TEVO sees her and bashes Toad into her, rendering her unconscious.)

Toad: Oh what a predicament I've gotten myself into! Why, o why!

TEVO: Escape is futile! Embrace your death, you amphibious dolt! Mwahahahahaha!

(Just then, Princess appears. She sees her beloved owner in trouble and hisses at the giant TEVO monster. Princess charges towards it.)

TEVO: What's this! Your pathetic cat friend is trying to save you! How disgustingly adorable! I shall dispatch of both you _and _this feline pest!

Toad: Kitty, no!

(Princess leaps towards the TEVO, claws out.)

Toad: I LOVE YOU!

(Just as the TEVO monster is going to grab and electrocute the cat to death, Toad unleashes one of his slime balls. The slime ball hits the cat before the TEVO, locking her in a protective shell.)

TEVO: What's this! I can't zap her! YOU!

(TEVO begins zapping Toad with all the electricity it has.)

Toad: I guess… (Cough.) …this is… (Cough, cough.) …goodbye…

(Just then, Wanda appears wearing a towel around her waist and a turban on her head.)

Wanda: Is that all it is! I could dispatch that thing in ten seconds!

(Wanda uses her hex power to make TEVO release Toad.)

TEVO: WHAT!

(Wanda narrows her eyes at TEVO and sends off one last hexing spell.)

TEVO: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(The TV explodes into a million pieces. There is a long pause in between.)

Pyro: Well…So much for our weekly movie night.

Wanda: _You're _cleaning this mess up!

Pyro: Why me!

(The Brotherhood gives Pyro a long, cold stare.)

Pyro: Fine…

(Wanda walks over to a very charred Toad.)

Wanda: Are you alright?

(Toad coughs up a big cloud of black smoke.)

Toad: Yeah…I think I'll be fine. Where's kitty?

(Toad looks over to see the little slime ball he's made. He smiles with glee and takes Princess out of the mess.)

Toad: How's my little heroine! You tried to save me, didn't you! Yes you did!

(Toad tries to pet Princess but his hands get stuck to her fur. Toad gasps in realization as to what he's done.)

Toad: Oh no!

(Toad picks up Princess and runs to the bathroom.)


	6. Bald's Well That Ends Well

Renoir Fione: Sorry about the 'TEVO' misspelling. If I ever create a 'TEVO' related fanfic again, I shall remember that 'TEVO's _true _spelling is, in fact, TIVO…Carry on.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Toad: You poor thing! I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Princess!

(Princess is now bald from head to toe. Toad continues to brush her skin)

Toad: But you've got to understand, it was the only way to save you. I couldn't let that…blasted creation of Pyro's…get to you first. I didn't want to lose you, kitty. I never want to lose you! Do you understand? You forgive me, don't you?

(Princess purrs.)

Toad: Soon, I promise. Soon a new lair of fur will grow in and you'll be your old self again.

Princess: Mew.

Toad: But, until that time comes, I'll keep you warm with this nice, cozy blanket I have here in my hands. Would you like that?

(Princess purrs. Toad wraps a very raggedy blanket over Princess and begins cradling her like a baby.)

Toad: You know, Princess, I think you're just about the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Audience: Aw!

Toad: When'd you all come back!

(Wanda enters Toad's room.)

Toad: Haven't you heard of "knock first?"

Wanda: Look, I'm sorry about what happened to your cat.

Toad: Oh, it's nothing. See!

(Toad holds up a very bald Princess in a raggedy brown blanket.)

Wanda: That's nice…Um, Toad…

(Toad begins rocking the cat in his arms.)

Toad: Rock-a-by Princess in the tree top. When the wind blows the cradle will rock…

Wanda: Do you suppose, maybe, we could talk about…us?

Toad: Ssh. She's sleeping.

Wanda: I've noticed you with Princess. And now, I finally understand that you have something that few guys these days have. You're a great parent, you're sensitive. And, when you have such great qualities as those, nothing else really matters…even looks!

(Toad continues to hum lullabies to the cat.)

Wanda: I was wondering if you and I…we could—Are you listening to me!

Toad: Yeah, yeah. Make-up _is_ wonderful…

Wanda: Look, I am pouring my heart over here and all you can think about is that damned cat! Forget what I said!

(Wanda is about to storm out of the room.)

Toad: Wait.

(Wanda stops.)

Toad: Before you go, let me ask you…

(Wanda smiles.)

Toad: Do you have any idea as to what might be responsible for this laugh track that's been playing for hours?

(Wanda sighs, disappointed.)

Wanda: No, Toad, I have no idea. Good night.

Toad: Good night.

**At the X Mansion…**

(Magneto and Charles are sitting on the couch, watching the Brotherhood make fools of themselves on the television.)

Magneto: Really, Charles! Aren't you glad I come up with these screwball plans of mine! We've been entertained for hours!

Charles: Yes. Using my powers to make the Brotherhood think they were in a sitcom was the best plan you've ever come up with.

Magneto: So, was the giant TIVO monster idea yours?

Charles: No, I'm afraid Pyro really _did_ mess up your television set. They did quite a number on it, didn't they?

Magneto: Yes. I shall have to kill Pyro upon my return to the lair… (Trying to contain his wrath.) …Toad too.

Charles: You seem angrier at Toad than you are at Pyro.

Magneto: No one turns down my daughter. Especially not some—

(Magneto begins clenching his fists in extreme wrath.)

Magneto: No matter…Thank you again, old friend, for showing such a wonderful evening.

Charles: It was my pleasure.

Magneto: Take care.

Charles: You too.

**END**


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